Thursday, October 18, 2012

{what is now & what's to come}

I typically write every blog post the night before it gets published {or a few days before}.  So it's Wednesday night as I'm writing this.

I have a cup of steaming hot cocoa next to me. Harry Potter is on. An empty {but needs-to-be-filled-pronto} suitcase is sitting on my floor. It's the perfect fall night.

90% of me is totally content in this moment.  I don't have any homework to do & no test to study for. I'm going to be spending the weekend in a city I love with my sister & her friends...who feel like my friends, even though I haven't met them all yet. The first semester of my senior year is going smoothly, all things considered. I'm thisclose to putting the not-so-fun family stuff that I've been dealing with into the back of my mind to begin gathering dust.

The past few weeks I've been focused on me & me only.  I've convinced myself that it's not selfish, but warranted. I've been spending way too much time lately worrying about others...which is a good thing most of the time. But it's my senior year! I need to live it up. So...90% of me is totally content with where I am right now.

I need to work on that other 10%.

My dad & stepmom's marriage is ending & I haven't been dealing with it well. { not ready to give up using the word "stepmom" just yet.}  I've known since May, which just rubbed more salt into the wounds of this summer, but it hasn't gotten much easier. I've started to constantly worry about my siblings, my dad, my "stepmom," my sister...everyone involved. I've never--fortunately--gone through the death of a loved one very close to me yet, & even though there hasn't been a death, this process of loss is foreign to me. I haven't quite mastered how to cope with the absence of a very important person from my life, someone who I've known all but five years of my existence,....& it's definitely harder than I thought it would be. It's been almost six months & I still ache with sadness. I don't really know when it'll stop.

But that 90% still dominates. & so I've been filling my days with stimulating classes, hundreds of photographs, lots of blog posts, fun painting projects, delicious new recipes, a potential small business in-the-works, & an exciting spring semester on the horizon. My Los Angeles meeting was tonight & my last semester of college is gonna be a good one. I can feel it.

The next few weeks are going to be busy. But a good busy. One that'll end in great memories & thrilling opportunities.

I can't wait.

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